New Year, New Field
Recently I have caught myself thinking and saying out loud “I do not care,” about people’s feelings. A very easy protective attitude I slip into. Emphasis on the “I.” Thank God that He finds my lost, self-centered thoughts filled with fears and insecurities. He sees my disordered view of who I am, and brings me back into the light of truth. He gives reminders that this life is not about me and is all about Christ. It’s all about the Father's love and His outpouring of grace. He creates beauty. He makes a way. He finds and redeems the little lost sheep.
I repeat these truths and say to myself that I believe in God’s promises, but I often trust the way that I think things needs to happen. How do I not get in God’s way? A friend of mine convicted me recently. She said, “If all my earthly desires are never fulfilled, if all my gifts are never used the way I think they should be, if all I have is Christ – that is enough.” Ooftah. That hit me like a brick wall. A fear that I have been experiencing lately has been that my earthly desires will not be fulfilled. How do I let that go?
When I picture the scene of the lost sheep, I see the sheep lost in thought, fear, desire, and wandering away with anything and everything on it's little sheep mind.
I should eat healthier. My legs are ugly and that’s what defines my worth. He was the one, but I am too shallow so now I don’t get one. All ships have sailed. My expectations are too great. I am too much of a perfectionist. I need to buy new clothes. I need to stop thinking about buying new clothes. What can I buy instead? I have no idea how to invest my time and money. I look like a mom. I am going end up as the photocopy lady in the office.
It’s not that the thoughts are all lies, but they are distracting! Thankfully and so graciously, the shepherd calls, and finds. And when the sheep is on that long walk back home with the shepherd, the words spoken to her are of the shepherd’s glory and His plans. He speaks bigger and better things to the little sheep, and her heart and mind are filled with love. The ironic thing is that then she forgets herself because she's in awe of the shepherd telling her a story. He tells of how she was born and what plans Hhas for her. He gives her direction and coaches her on what’s important, on how to live in Him.
Despite the shame felt from failed New Year’s and Lenten resolutions, anxiety from scary decisions, frustration from wasted time or relational mishaps, sins fallen into, and as much of a crab as I can be -- it's not about me. I need those walks back home with the shepherd - or really any time at all with God - to remind me of that. To catch my breath. To hear the truth about life. To receive joy and hope and to be reminded of love.
Let my losses show me all I truly have is you, Lord.
Here is a beautiful song called "Satisfied in You." Enjoy!
Rose Ederer grew up in Minneapolis, MN. She worked for Saint Paul's Outreach (SPO) at Seton Hall University. She currently lives in Seattle, WA and works for AVM Biotechnology. AVM's mission is to end human trafficking in biologic research and manufacturing by providing ethical alternatives. Rose's earthly desires include owning a hobby farm and being on a school board.