I think I suffer mildly from the classic human condition of ‘looking forward to the next thing before fully living out where I am’. Although I make it a point to practice gratefulness every morning and night, a little anxiousness somehow finds a way to creep into my mind.
Gratefully speaking, I’ve been blessed with a wonderful job that keeps me surrounding by beautiful human beings and helps me do work I genuinely love. But somewhere, through it all, my mind races ahead and I find myself wanting more, craving something different.
Before I knew it, my content self turned into a conscious self and I simple wasn’t happy with where I am. I still smiled when I woke up, still practiced gratefulness and still put in the same effort into my work; but, I knew something was amiss.
This wasn’t enough for me. I knew I could do more. I knew I could use my God-given gifts and talents to a fuller potential. I just wasn’t doing enough. And that frustrated me. I soon began to look up work that I could apply myself to, but soon felt even more disheartened because it seemed like a long and impossible road just getting there.
I then began wrestling with God. “Lord, you’ve given me all these lovely gifts and I want to use them to serve your people in the best way I can; why then is this so difficult? “ For days I questioned, pleaded, argued and discussed with God, but I barely listened.
Till one day, I simply had nothing more to say to him and I decided to just sit still. I didn’t pray, I didn’t sing and I didn’t even speak. I just sat there in the quiet of my room. A few moments passed before I felt a peaceful presence dawn on me. It didn’t come swooping in, but it was this gentle wave of serenity that settled over me. I then did what I hadn’t done in weeks: I listened. And He spoke:
My child, I have brought you this far, why do you doubt that I won’t carry you even further?
In that moment, all my fears and anxiety were laid to rest. I glanced back at everything that the Lord had done for me up until now. Guiding me in and out of workplaces, leading me through paths where I could discover more of what I really wanted to do and walking with me through it all, even when it seemed like I was at it alone.
Am I free from fear of my future? Definitely not. But what I know today is that my God is bigger than my fears and my future. He has seen me through so many situations, big and small. Why would He choose to desert me now? He goes before me, leading me on gently, in His own time.
Pearl Mathias lives in the small town of Mazgaon, in the big city of Mumbai. She had the most beautiful encounter with the Lord while serving in Kairos, India. She spends her daylight hours writing for a local newspaper and buries herself in a book come night. She's easily inspired by people, fascinated by sunsets and in love with tea. Her mission is to be more Christ-like, right where she is, using what she has and doing what she can.